The Reading Corner

This is an important question to ask yourself and make sure that your answer aligns with your current actions. Just because you are single, lonely, and crave human touch does not make you ready to date.

There are so many factors to consider about dating and starting to date and decisions that should be made to mitigate the impact on your life.

Think about this, dating is the equivalent to adding a part time job to your current life. This of course, is a ballpark number but in reality it's probably pretty close. You should expect to be adding between 10 to 20 hours per week of time that will be allotted to dating.

This is not meant to deter you, it's about being practical and honest with yourself about your commitment to dating. If you are truly committed, this demand on your time will be a welcome addition. If the thought of this stresses you, take a deeper dive into yourself to find out if you are really ready to date.

If you are on fence, you may consider putting a limit on the time spent dating and stick to it, you are always free to change the amount of time later but it's good to know before you start anything new what the time demand will be and if you are able to accommodate it.

This is important because there are pros and cons to each and it's important to consider all of the options.

Some people believe that online dating is more efficient but this would depend on your definition of efficient. Dating online is a lot of monotonous time and work. The positive is that it can be done from anywhere.

Traditional dating will require some creativity and willingness to go out to public places and be willing to introduce or be introduced to strangers. 

Again, there pros and cons to traditional dating. Even though there is a possibility of meeting someone every where you go,  traditional dating required being out in public places, around people which means, you won't be able to wake up in the middle of the night and 30 seconds later be looking for dates. 

You may choose to do both so you are getting the maximum benefit but this will require more time.

Everything has pros and cons. One of the best ways to make this decision is consider what you are comfortable with. If you are more introverted, getting to know new people behind a screen may be easier but it will not offer the insight into those important elements that we get when we are face to face with someone. 

Whichever you decide or if you decide both, remember, you can always change your mind later. This is your journey so take control and do what you feel is best for you. 

If you are dating online or if you are considering dating online, this is something that needs to be thought about and perhaps put a window of time and stick within those parameters. 

The reason this is something that needs to be thought about is when you "meet" someone behind a keyboard, there are missing elements that have been proven to be vital in a successful relationship.

Without having a marker for this situation, you may potentially be setting yourself up for disappointment. If you find someone online and start any kind of relationship, it is imperative that you have a strategy in place to protect yourself not only from the obvious things but also from wasting too much time. 

We have all heard the stories about Catfish and some people "talk" online for years and then realize that the person was never real. Most of us will roll our eyes and say that this would not happen to me. The reality is, this is something that you have control over and if you set boundaries right out of the gate, you have that insurance policy in place, the one that protects your time which gives you peace of mind.

You may not think it will happen to you and you may be right but isn't it best to have set boundaries limiting the time you give to someone before you know that they are really what they claim? 

Life is difficult at times and it's easy to get off track and get wrapped up in something and it may start to spiral before you even realize what is happening. The important thing is to make sure you check yourself to make sure that you are going down a road that you will remain on and see it through, where ever it may take you.

Having and keeping an open mind that you never need to settle and that finding someone who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person.

Part of dating should include a commitment to yourself to remain true to yourself and this includes keeping the things and the people out of your life that bring negatives to you. 

The commitment also means that you will date as the authentic you and with purpose, the purpose that only you are able to define, after all, this is your show.

Everyone talks about that chemistry, you know, that "thing" that draws you to someone. That chemistry is that crazy feeling you get, you know, when you are so taken by someone and you just can't get enough. There really is no way to describe it and sadly, there is no way to force it. It's something that usually happens when you least expect it and it catches you off guard in the greatest possible way.

The million dollar question is, can you find love without the chemistry?  It is possible, most relationships that go long have all three C's, chemistry, compatibility, and commitment. A relationship can be successful without all three but it may be a little more challenging. Just remember, with the right person, challenges are easier to overcome.

When you meet someone you have chemistry with, be prepared to have your entire world turned upside down and the funny part is you may not even notice. 

It's an exciting time and the draw is very strong. It's important to remember during this special time that it may feel like a fairytale but this is real life and don't forget your dealbreakers and your standards moving forward.

A lot of people believe this and it seems true for the most part, except nobody seems to talk about the reality of a relationship between two opposites. Initially there may be a strong attraction and it may almost feel like chemistry but the reality is finding compatibility and longevity may be a big challenge. Most opposite relationships end because those cute little differences tend to end up being dealbreakers. 

There is something exciting about something different but in the end, opposites may attract but they tend to go their separate ways and most likely end up with someone more like minded in the end.

This sounds so old school and cliche' but there is actually proof that this leads to the happiest relationships.  60% to 70% of relationships between people who started as friends go the distance. Logically speaking this makes a lot of sense because when two people start out as friends, they get to know each other a much different platform. This platform is typically without masks, being authentic  and true because there is not that pressure to impress someone.

We should pay attention to this and maybe change our view of dating and start looking at dates as getting to know a new friend to remove those expectations and allow people to want to be more authentic.

Being the authentic you when going on a date should be the standard but in today's world with social media and other factors, people struggle with their authentic self.

If you struggle with being your authentic self then that should be your starting point because anything other than your authentic self is a lie and it's a waste of time to present yourself any other way.

If you want to work on your self confidence so that being your authentic self is more natural to you, we have a lot of information on our site, the success academy.

Life is busy, life is chaotic so why are we so willing to waste the one thing that we will never get back?

We as humans tend to put value on tangible items, things that can be replaced or duplicated but the one priceless gift we are given is given up so freely, as if we can easily replace it?

What is even more difficult to understand is why we allow others to abuse our time? We willingly invest our time in other people, sometimes people we don't have any real tie to, we give them so much of the one thing we will never get back and we do it freely, without any contract or insurance policy, we do not wait for people to earn this valuable investment, we wave it around as if we have an endless supply.

Stop and think about this and ask yourself why you freely hand out your precious time to whomever wants it. What happens when someone abuses this privilege, do we learn a lesson and begin to protect our priceless asset? No, we simply move on to the next person who does not earn the right to be given our time, we just keep handing it out to anyone and everyone without a second thought.

Would you hand over your car keys just as easily? Your house keys? Probably not because we are intelligent human beings and we know what has value and what doesn't, right?

The next time you decide to have an online conversation with a total stranger who may or may not be the person they are claiming to be, remind yourself that time is something you will never get back. Start valuing your time and if someone isn't willing to earn it, don't give it.

How does someone earn your time? Demonstrated basic respect. This does not mean they said all the right things to you and fed your ego and made you feel special with their words, those things have no true value because anyone can speak  (or type) the words, you need to adopt the mentality that if someone is going to talk the talk they better walk the walk before you invest much time. 

Set boundaries with your time. Make  your time matter by setting a boundary  for every new person you speak to, set a time limit and use the same time limit for each and every new person. Next figure out what your standard is,  think of it as when you were little and you got a gold star every time you did something that you were supposed to do. By doing this with everyone, you are mitigating your losses, because, again, time is something you will never get back and there are no do overs when it comes to your time. 

The bottom line is, when you start to value your time, others will too. By adopting this mentality, you will be building your self confidence and leveling up while making others level up to be deserving of your time.

Do you get  angry and upset when you  are talking to someone from a dating app, you talk for several days and then, out of no where, this person is gone.

What do you do? Do you instantly go to the negative thought zone and start replaying every conversation you had with this person and what you did wrong? Do you convince yourself that this person figured out that you are a piece of garbage and decided that you are not even worth an explanation?

Or, do you scold yourself for not being a better judge of character and shoulda, woulda, coulda...

Either of these scenarios are completely wrong. The only fault in this ugly transaction is giving away your time so freely to someone who had no intention on valuing it. You do have the right to feel violated as long as you are willing to learn the lesson so that you won't allow yourself to make this mistake again.

There is a different between accepting blame for something that was done to you and holding yourself accountable so that you learn a lesson which makes you a better person.

Welcome do the Ghosting game.  They key in protecting yourself against this behavior is to set the boundaries with all new people and your time.  Use the same boundary for everyone and do not deviate from it.  Do not invest your time until someone has proven themselves. 

Dating app ghosting is quite common. It's estimated that 45% to 65% of dating app users report being ghosted at least once per month and 20% to 30% report being ghosted several times per month. Those are not good odds. 

This is for many reasons, some people are really not real or true potentials and there are so many options that it's important not to allow yourself to become an option.